


We've got a Situation here

by whimsicalSwindler (Spammy_Wits)



Series: High quality homestuck shitposts [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Dialogue-Only, Humor, M/M, Post-Canon, Pre-Relationship, this is basically an in character shitpost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 06:07:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30135129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spammy_Wits/pseuds/whimsicalSwindler
Summary: Dave and Karkat wake up to something unexpected
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Series: High quality homestuck shitposts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2217846
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	We've got a Situation here

KARKAT: UGH... WHA--?  
DAVE: dude wake up  
DAVE: weve got a situation here  
KARKAT: CAN'T YOUR SITUATION WAIT UNTIL I REGAIN AT LEAST PART OF MY COGNITIVE FACULTIES?  
KARKAT: ALSO, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU INVADING MY PERSONAL SPACE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING? YOUR BREATH STINKS, FUCK OFF!  
DAVE: haha  
DAVE: christ thats possibly the most ironic thing you could have said given the context  
KARKAT: YOU AND YOUR LEAKING PISS BAG CONTEXT CAN SUCK MY--  
KARKAT:  
KARKAT: UHHHH…  
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN!?  
DAVE: i was hoping youd know  
DAVE: but by that reaction i can tell right off the bat that dave and karkat junior ran away with no clearance and pulled a what happens in vegas stays in vegas  
DAVE: the trope is usually played out so no one but the participants find out what crazy stunts they pulled there but these clowns just took it literally  
DAVE: vegas in this case being whatever that part of troll anatomy theyre currently stuck inside of is  
DAVE: who knew platonically falling asleep on the couch could lead to shenanigans  
DAVE: btw vegas is--  
KARKAT: --I KNOW WHAT VEGAS IS, DAVE!  
KARKAT: NONE OF WHAT YOU ACTUALLY SAID ANSWERS MY QUESTION!!!  
KARKAT: THIS HOOFBEAST SHIT SHOULDN'T BE BIOLOGICALLY POSSIBLE.  
KARKAT: HUMAN BULGES ARE THIN AND FLIMSY, YET HERE WE ARE!  
KARKAT: FUCK.  
KARKAT: IS THIS HURTING YOU? IF THIS IS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY I'LL CALL 911 RIGHT THIS SECOND. WE'LL GET OVER THE HUMILIATION SOME DAY IN THE FAR OFF FUTURE.  
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: shit no dont fucking call an ambulance stop  
DAVE: human skin is stretchy for fucks sake dont make me yeet that phone out of commission  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT.  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
KARKAT: I BELIEVE YOU.  
DAVE: are you done flipping off the handle?  
KARKAT: YES. I THINK SO.  
KARKAT: SORRY.  
DAVE: your freak out just turned mine into roadkill so its whatever  
DAVE: about your question  
DAVE: my theory is that our dicks just had an unlucky encounter while we slept sponsored by loose pajamas t m  
DAVE: then they both went into the liminal space yours inhabits when not in use  
DAVE: huh  
DAVE: i just realized troll might have to sit to pee  
DAVE: didnt think that was a mystery but damn if it didnt get solved just now  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
DAVE: yeah so…  
DAVE: weve got something of a matryoshka meets chinese finger trap going on down south  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DOES ANY OF THAT MEAN? DON'T ANSWER!  
KARKAT: DID YOU TRY PULLING OUT?  
DAVE: man you think I didnt try that already? its like the first thing i did when i woke up  
DAVE: second thing was trying to see what was going on down there  
DAVE: third waking you up so we could figure out this shit together  
KARKAT: CONSIDER ME UP TO DATE.  
KARKAT: ANY IDEA OF WHAT MIGHT BE STOPPING YOUR BULGE FROM GOING OUT THE SAME FUCKING WAY IT GOT IN?  
DAVE: dunno man  
DAVE: maybe it started swelling?  
KARKAT: ISN'T SWELLING A MEDICAL EMERGENCY WITH HUMANS? FUCK THIS, I'M CALLING 911.  
DAVE: dont  
KARKAT:  
DAVE: dicks get swollen  
DAVE: its  
DAVE: it happens when aroused you can drop the phone now  
KARKAT: HMMMM.  
DAVE: dont flatter yourself basically any kind of friction sets it off  
KARKAT: HEY, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.  
DAVE: yours is doing a weird thing too get off my dick about my dick  
KARKAT: IT'S HEAVING. THAT'S WHAT BULGES DO.  
DAVE: dicks swell  
DAVE: motherfucking sue me  
KARKAT: …  
DAVE: …  
DAVE: cant yours like retract or something  
DAVE: shits looking dire  
KARKAT: I'M NOT SURE THAT'D BE A GOOD IDEA.  
KARKAT: IT GETS WIDER WHEN IT RETRACTS.  
DAVE: just give it a try this is getting ridiculous  
KARKAT: FINE.  
DAVE:  
DAVE: shit damn abort ABORT  
DAVE: phew  
KARKAT: WOW, WE SUCK AT SOLVING PRACTICAL PROBLEMS.  
DAVE: its unreal  
DAVE:  
DAVE: you know who doesnt suck at solving practical problems and has already witnessed the death of our dignity plenty of times?  
KARKAT: [JADE!]  
DAVE: [jade]  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm not writing smut ysyk, this is just for the comedy value


End file.
